My life so far has been rather uneventful, nothing spectacular and nothing grand. I had other expectations; expectations of more or maybe just better. Uncertainty constantly surrounds me, as I suspect may surround others. I am always waiting, wondering and hoping. I am unsure of what I am waiting for but whatever it is, hope, again, plays a part in my recognition of it. Will my deposits in my future be enough to guarantee the outcome I want?
The history of others has shown that disappointment with life and accomplishments is often more common than fulfillment and satisfaction. I fear the ordinary and the mundane. I fear those choices disguised as social requirements but that are not right for me. I wish I feared simple things such as death, or the possibility of forever being poor. I fear the nothingness of the uneventful, the pretentiousness of pretense and the acquiescence of mediocrity.
Very few people seem to understand that one can actually mean what they say or forever want to hear the truth. Surely, my longing for this level of transparency affects what I actually get out of life. Maybe my fears and my need for clarity will be more relevant determinants of my future than other things I do.
My life will be worth more to me if I'm allowed to choose based on my desires rather than a feeling that I'm doing what I have to do to survive. Selfish – maybe, naïve - possibly. I don’t know if it’s probable to get what I want without some excruciatingly painful sacrifice or some compromise of who I am but I think it is definitely worth a try.
To exist - perchance to actually live.