Directional Suicide

Today I got really annoyed with myself. I got lost…again, or maybe I should say for the umpteenth time this year. I have lost count of the actual number of times I have been lost over the course of my adult life. I remember the first time I got lost though. I was with my Mom, I may have been seven or eight years old and I wondered off to buy myself an ice cream cone from a “mobile” ice cream vendor. I was so caught up on my mission for chocolate that once I got to the ice cream I had no idea how far I had gone or even in what direction I had travelled to get to the point I was at ( it is then t I should have realized I would become a slave to chocolate and I was doomed to spend weeks of my life trying to get back on track). When my mom found me I was crying and scared but I was eating my ice cream.

In this age of technological advancements, I shouldn’t be able to get lost even if I try. Maybe I should move to London, that way I can get “Big Brother” to watch my every move and get turn by turn directions from a person who is actually looking right at me! The funny thing is; I have even gotten lost using a GPS. It got me wondering, why does it happen? Why do I keep getting lost? I print directions, I use the GPS, I consult men (only because they seem to know everything) and still I get lost. I know there must be studies out there detailing why this happens to me. Another interesting discovery is that, once I get lost, I get anxious, flustered and I get “more lost” if such a thing is possible (don’t ask how I get found again – that is for another day.)

I am not organized in any area of my life. At any point you can walk into my house and be able to tell what pants I wore on what day. This is because I take my pants off as soon as I walk into the house and I often leave them in the same spot – on the chair, one on top of the other. It is almost like I can’t help it. My messiness is almost certainly linked to why I keep getting lost. I have no sense of direction! I can’t keep a routine (except the pants on chair thing) I have tried on several occasions to use journals, datebooks and calendars both electronic and paper and I can never keep it up for more than a few weeks. Again, I think this too is tied to my missing sense of direction. This lack of longitudinal and latitudinal coordination is surely affecting other areas of my life that I am too disorganized to recognize. I hate to admit it, but I think I am a scatterbrain. As it turns out – this is not such a good quality in poor people. “Scatterbrainism” leads to missed appointments, negative impressions, lack of opportunities, perpetual poverty, depression and the inevitable laying on the pants that have been on the couch since the dawn of time.

Conclusion - I get lost because I'm doomed to be a poor fat person addicted to chocolate; this leads to the inevitable suicide.

Posted on December 10, 2013 .